While doing legal research on a case I had an occasion to contact the FBI.

My career evolved over the years from various job titles within the same realm of work.  Law.  As a new paralegal working on a case as a volunteer conducting legal research, I came to a question I thought the FBI could answer for me.  I was wrong, but, the information and insight I did get was invaluable.

I waited for the operator to patch me through to the officer of the day, in layman terms that means the guy who is on phone duty rotation.  The agent picked up almost immediately and I began to explain why I was calling.  Three or four minutes into my explanation I picked up on the tone and reaction to me from the agent and it caused me to stop in mid sentence. 

"I'm sorry, am I boring you?" I asked him.

After dialing the FBI telephone, a little nervous, after all it wasn't every day I called the FBI, and like most people, I had this visual in my mind about who the FBI were and what they did.  The all powerful federal agents who knew all.  Well, that's what it looks like on TV and that is the only reference I had to the FBI.  The conversation took me by surprise and to this day it still brings a smile to my face.

"Oh, no, you seem quite reasonable to me." he replied.  

"Excuse me?", I said, confused.  "Reasonable?", I repeated.

"Yes, you seem reasonable.", he said.

"What exactly does that mean?  I don't understand.", I said.

"Oh, okay, let me explain.  You see, agents are required to answer calls on a rotation schedule for a certain number of hours at a time and I'm the agent of the day so to speak, or that is the term we use.

We get calls from all sorts of people and for the most part people don't understand what the FBI does.  For instance, we don't deal directly with the general public.  Our cases come from other law enforcement agencies or government officials.  

Now, we may work on a case that involves the general public, but we don't work directly with the general public.  Therefore, we don't investigate homicides.  That sort of thing.  The FBI doesn't care about that (layman terminology).  However, if the homicide is a federal agent?  Then we care about that!  

For instance, if you rob a bank for $100,000 and it isn't insured by the FDIC, the FBI doesn't care about that.  You can rob a casino for $5 million bucks and if that casino is not insured by the FDIC, the FBI doesn't care about it. 

But, If you rob a bank for $5 and it is FDIC insured?  The FBI cares about that!  

So you see, people have a misconception on what we do here at the FBI.  When we answer the phone it takes a few minutes of listening to determine exactly what kind of caller I have on the line.  

The caller just before you was a woman claiming that her neighbor was trying to kill her through her computer.  Well, now you know, we don't care about that, but, we can't be rude so we listen.  

She tells me she knows her neighbor has been trying to kill her and she is using her computer to attack her to kill her.  

I asked her, "Why do you think your neighbor is trying to kill you and what makes you think she is using a computer to do it with?"

"Well, because, I'm over at the neighbor's house right now on their front porch hiding in the lattice so she can't see me, watching her through the window and she is on the computer!  I can see her!  And she is pointing toward my house and then she touches the computer and she stares toward my house all the time while she's on that thing!"

"Okay, let me see if I understand you correctly.  You believe that your neighbor is trying to kill you by using her computer because she looks at your house when she is using it and points at your house sometimes right?"  

"Right!"

"And does her desk and chair face the direction of your house like say by a window to look out?"

"Why yes it does!"

"And you are currently trespassing on your neighbors property, trampling her flowers and bushes and breaking her lattice so you can peek into her home and spy on her illegally and you called the FBI to report that, does that sound about right?"  Click.  

She hung up on me.

The call before that was a guy who called to report that someone was trying to kill him and he is so scared that he rented a motel room so that he can't be found by this homicidal person. 

He tells me that he knows because he found "bugs" in his room after he went to the store and returned and he tore them out of the light switches and sockets, and various places to prove it! 

I ask him, okay, why don' t you give me the serial number and model number of one of the "bugs" you found and I'll look it up to verify it.  

He did and I confirmed what I initially believed, what he tore out of its place was a sensor for the light switch so that the lights turn off when a patron leaves the room and doesn't turn off the lights.  Helps keep the power bill down.  

The next one was the same thing only a motion sensor for the bathroom light and heater.  After checking all his "bugs" I say to him.  "Let me see if I have this correctly?  

You believe someone is trying to kill you but you don't know who and were so scared that you rented a motel room to hide out from this unknown person trying to kill you.  You left your motel room to go to the store and when you returned discovered these "bugs" in your room which you tore out of the sockets and walls, and they turn out to be motion sensors to keep the utilities affordable for the hotel owner, and you have essentially just destroyed the entire room tearing out these sensors and you called the FBI to report it, is that about right?"  Click.

The tone and the way this agent talked while explaining these phone calls to me what absolutely hysterical!  I was laughing so hard that I was on the floor under my desk with tears streaming down my face listening to him as my co-workers walk by wondering what the hell was so funny. 

I had slinked down in my chair from laughing so hard and finally went all the way to the floor so I wouldn't be so disruptive from the laughter and total loss of control.  It was the single most funniest phone conversation I have ever had in my entire life.  That agent was a crack up!  He never missed a beat, never let out a chuckle, prim proper and spoke with utmost respect as he recited those calls.  I could envision him standing there in a black suit, black tie, pristine white shirt, black shoes, straight faced looking at this lunatic in the hotel room from the doorway.  OMG it was a riot!

When he finished I had completely forgotten why I called and couldn't begin to gather myself to carry on and be serious.  I had to take a break and totally regain my composure.  I laughed for an hour over that guy and the idea hit me.  I need the FBI phone logs!  I need to put that stuff in print!  It would be a great book!  But to no avail.  Commissioner Comey was gracious enough to respond to my letter of inquiry about obtaining the FBI Agent of the day phone duty logs to publish in a book and although he agreed that some calls were quite comical, it was a matter of national security and the phone logs were classified and could not be obtained or released.  What a great a phone call!  I don't even recall his name!  Damnit!